After hanging out here and begging, the club let me be their resident DJ. Finally! I can get to being a superstar and get some ladies. It’s been months since I last saw Amy Wong. She got sober and told me to never speak to her again. Whatever.. I can get a much hotter girl than her. It’s cool.. I’m not sweating it.
I notice a nice looking lady as I was spinning some tracks. She looks good but her sense of fashion sucks! What’s with all these poorly dressed ladies in Starlight Shores. I couldn’t help be notice that guy was doing a intense pee dance to my set. I guess my music is great!
“Everyone! Do a intense pee dance like that guy!”
I took a break so I could get to know this lady but when I got close to her, I notice she’s kinda old looking. I’m not drunk enough to fuck her so I took off.
“Hi there. I would like to get to know you. I like all of the music that you been playing tonight. What’s your name?”
“My name is I-don’t-fuck-hags-like-you.”
“Ugh you asshole! How rude!”
The bartender decided to give me a bunch of free drinks but later said that hag bought all these drinks for me.
“I’m not drinking those. That hag thinks I’ll fuck her if I’m drunk. She’s wrong.”
“Look you’re drinking these! I didn’t make them for you to waste them.. Besides she paid for them.”
“That hag is trying to molest me. No!”
“Shit man! No means no! Quit trying to drink rape me!”
I get home and 10 minutes later there’s a angry knock at my door. I opened it and it was Manga. I haven’t seen her since I Tigo her eggo.
“You fuckin’ asshole! You ruined my life!”
“What are you talking about? You come to my house at 5 am calling me a asshole. I haven’t seen you in months!”
“Look what you did to me!”
“You let yourself go. You’re so fat. You could be a sumo wrestler now. So how you getting fat is my fault? I didn’t force you to eat 500 pounds of powder donuts!”
“I’m not fat you fuckin’ idiot! I’M PREGNANT by YOU!”
“That’s… that’s impossible. I only fucked you once. ONCE. I can’t get you pregnant, I didn’t give my sperms a GPS to your egg.”
“What?! You idiot! Ugh! Why did I even sleep with you! It only takes one time, Borage!”
“I’m sexy and you can’t help yourself. All the ladies want a piece of this. Are you sure it’s mines? You could of been ho-ing around after me.”
“Yes, it’s not my husband’s, it’s yours! He kicked me out and so I’m staying with you since it’s your fault!”
After learning Cherry Blossom is knocked up by me I sent a email to my dad.
Dad, Remember that Asian girl? Well I got her pregnant and her husband kicked her out and she’s staying here. I know nothing bout birthing no babies. How did my sperms find her egg? I blame you. You gave me smart sperm! – Borage
Having Hello Kitty staying with me was a drag. I thought it would be cool, I thought we would have hot wild sex again. She wouldn’t let me touch her and all she does is yell at me of how I ruined her life. It’s not my fault that she decided to be a ho bag for one night. She said who ever won, got to take her home. When she’s not yelling at me, she’s talks a lot.. A lot about boring stuff.
“Hey! Are you listening to anything that I’m talking about?”
She tried to get me to bond with the unborn creature growing her in belly. Damn she’s fat!
“That baby is noisy in there. I think it wants out. You’re better off in there than out here with this crazy lady.”
One day while I was working on my nice body, Tamagotchi came up to me.
“Borage! I have something to tell you!”
“Holy shit! My water just broke!”
“Huh? You water broke? I didn’t know that water can break. You want me to buy you a new one? Where do I buy one from? EBay?
“You are truly a idiot! I’m in labor! The baby is coming!”
“You don’t look like you’re working.. Oh wait! WHAT? It’s coming?! It’s time! FUCKIN’ SHIT! WHAT DO I DO! I KNOW NOTHING BOUT BIRTHIN’ NO BABIES! WE NEED OIL, WATER, A FLASHLIGHT, WALKIE TALKIES, SALAD TONGS AND CORNMEAL!”
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! JUST TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL!”
After Teriyaki yelled at me how she wants me to burn in hell during child birth, my first child busted out of her cooch like a cork on a champagne bottle. We named our son Bruce-Lee Montigo-Gelman.
Meet the first born of Gen 3 of the Montigo family, Little Bruce-Lee!